Godzilla

John was attending a summer Bible School program. Mom watched from afar and saw the minister approach her little redheaded boy. She saw the kindly man bend down and ask John something. She saw John grin and reply and noted that the minister was not smiling back and, in fact, soon left. She went over to John and said "honey, what did the minister say to you?" John said "Well, he asked me what I learned in Bible School." Mom responded "What did you tell him?" John said, all smiles "I told him I learned about Jesus Christ and Godzilla!"

Stinkerbell

Four year old Laura was very pleased with herself. She was dressed in her green "Tinkerbell" outfit for Hallowe'en and she had a pouch of gold dust and green slippers. She had carefully practiced "You can fly, You can fly if you have good thoughts." Her proud Mom walked her to the door of her preschool classroom and the teachers and parents stopped to look at the engaging child with the bangs and saucer eyes. "Do it" her Mom prodded and stood proudly, waiting. "She's been practicing" Mom said to the teachers who stood, all agog. On cue, Laura leapt across the room, sprinkling her imaginary gold dust and loudly called out, in her shrill little voice "You can fly, you can fly if you make good farts."

Child Abuse

She was a first year teacher and a little unsure. One thing she was certain about is that something was wrong in Sarah's household. The child would come in each morning, sobbing. Much as the teacher prodded and pried the child would not say what had her so upset. After about two weeks of this, Sarah finally talked. "My Mommy beats me every morning" she said tearfully to her astounded teacher. Without hesitation the teacher took the child's hand and marched her to the principals office. "Sarah says her Mom beats her every day before school" she repeated to the principal. "No, sniffled Sarah, "we have a race who can get ready first and she beats me every day."

Cricket Anatomy

Wesley shot up his hand to name the cricket parts. "Head, abdoman and SORE ASS" he called out triumphantly. Wesley burst into tears when told that it was THORAX, not sore ass. Close kid, but no cigar.

A Bird in the Hand

Eight year old William persisted in fidgeting with something at his desk. Repeatedly, I asked him to put "it" away and to get back to his work. After three reminders I marched over to his desk and said "William, I've given you three chances and now It's going in my desk drawer until June." William face was aghast as I neared his desk. "Give it to me" I barked as I held out my hand and leaned in to see what it was. Poor William was holding his penis.

Brotherly Love

I had a second grade student who was really rowdy, always fighting, and generally getting into trouble wherever he went. One day he came to school, all smiles as he grinned up at me. "Guess what? Guess what? My baby brother said his first word this morning when I was playing with him." I smiled at him. "What was it?" I said. "HELP!" he said proudly.

Substituting Stinks

I was substituting in a 5th grade classroom for boys with emotional difficulties. As I introduced myself I explained that their teacher was absent because her father-in-law had died suddenly. the boys were told that as a writing assignment they would each write a letter of sympathy to the teacher and I would mail them to her. To inspire them further, I wrote many words on the board that they may wish to use in the body of their letters.

Most of the boys got to work immediately, using the resources I had written on the board and turning out very nice, appropriate and heartfelt letters to be forwarded to their popular teacher. One child, Peter, sat in the back of the class, scowling and arms folded. "I don't know what to write" he whined. After 20 minutes of writers block and rejecting all of my suggestions to "just write what you feel, be honest, say what is in your heart." I could see the lightbulb go off as he pealed off a fresh piece of paper from his notified and began to rapidly write his letter. "There!" he said triumphantly as he placed it in the pile of letters on my desk. Later, as I read the letters before sending them I came across Peter's.

Dear Mrs. Jones:

I am very sorry that your father- in- law died suddenly. The reason I am sorry is that if he hand't died suddenly this bitch wouldn't be making me write this letter to you.

Love Peter

What can I say? I sent it, unedited and it WAS her favorite letter!

With Apologies to Dr. King

We had completed a unit on Dr. Martin Luther King. I was moving around the room, admiring the greeting cards the second graders had made for Dr. King. "Very nice Johnny" I said as I passed by the desk of the 7 year old towhead and pointed to his rendition of Dr. King. "Thanks" he said proudly. I commented "Johnny, you should give him hair." As I passed around the classroom a second time I was startled to see a shock of blonde hair pasted to the head of the drawing of Dr. King on the card. No explanation was needed as Johnny proudly looked up at me, a chunk of blonde hair missing from the center of his bangs.