"CAT" ASTROPHE

This comes from England:

My group of primary students had just come in on a Monday morning. One little boy, approached me. "Poor Sam is dead" he said, eyes filling. "Who is Sam?" I inquired. "Sam is my cat and I know he is dead because I pissed in his ear" was the very solemn reply. I asked him to repeat himself and he said it again "I know he is dead because I pissed in his ear." He looked up at me as I struggled for words "but Dear" I said "Why in the world would you do such a thing?" He sighed and said "If you want to check if someone is dead you lean over like this and whisper "psssst" in their ear. If they don't move, they are dead.

ANATOMY

The subject was hygiene and taking care of the skin, the largest organ of the human body. I told the students I was going to review the questions before giving a quiz. I started with the first question which we had just gone over. "What is the largest organ on your body?" A boy yelled out "my penis."

IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT

I was teaching health to a class of special needs teenagers. One of the students asked what caused his father to snore loudly at night. He said "it scares my mother half to death when he suddenly lets out a big snore." Another boy piped up "MY DAD scares my mother half to death when he lets out big scary farts in bed in the middle of the night." When his Dad came to pick him up afer school I couldn't look him in the eye.

BOY PROBLEM

A second grade boy was squirming around in the back of my class. He looked really uncomfortable so I spoke to him in private. He confided that he had a rash on his "privates" and it was really bothering him. I told him to go to the nurses office and call his Mom and ask her what he should do. (I sent a note of explanation with him to the nurse so he could have a private conversation with Mom) Off he went and came back a few minutes later. "Everything o.k"?" I asked. "Yes", he replied. Less than a minute after he was seated there was a commotion in the back of the classroom. I went back and saw the same student's penis out of his pants. "What do you think you are doing?" I asked, none too politely. "My Mom said if I stick it out until noon she'll come and pick me up" was his straight faced reply.

THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST

I was teaching at a church preschool. One of the little girls had grabbed the scissors off my desk and cut a large chunk out of the front of her hair. I got a phone called from a distraught Mom who said the child said that I had cut it against her will! The next day, Mom dropped her off and I knelt to the child's eye level and sweetly said "Kelly, I'm a little confused and sad. Why did you tell Mommy that I cut your hair." She met my gaze (Mom still standing there) and just as sweetly said "Well, Mrs. K, I told her that you cut my hair because you DID!"

PSYCHOLOGY 1

My friend was teaching psychology to her class of 12th graders. In order to get their attention she asked for all the stupid students to please stand up. When one boy leapt to his feet she asked "are you stupid?" "No", he replied, "I just hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"

I asked for it!

I was going over the curriculum for the year with a class of 13 year olds. I briefly went over what we would be doing each month and mentioned that "sex ed" would be in May. I then (stupidly) asked it there were any questions. "Yes" a boy called out, raising his hand. "When are we going to talk about my dick?"

WEED KILLER

I was teaching health to a class of ten year olds. One boy asked about the merits of hand sanitizers vs. hand washing. I asked the students if they had any experience on the subject because I didn't use the sanitizers myself. A boy raised his hand and very politely said "my Dad prefers the hand sanitizers over soap because the sanitizers really kill the smell of weed after he's been smoking." I tried not to look mortified and just changed the subject.